Welcome to the ‘Sarcastic Post of the Month’. Living a healthy lifestyle helps to achieve good health and happiness but, it cannot guarantee it. Some people live a healthy lifestyle and still get ill. Some people use precisely this argument in order to not live healthy at all. Like, what’s the point, it’s not like I know for sure that if I eat vegetables I will always be healthy.
However, what is guaranteed is that leading an unhealthy lifestyle definitely increases the risk of poor health and severe disase. Here are things everyone can do to maximally increase their chances of developing Type 2 Diabetes.
25 Sure Ways to Develop
Type 2 Diabetes
1. Never eat a salad for lunch. You’re not a goat.
2. If you do make the mistake of getting a salad, add copious amounts of mayonnaise. Life is short.
3. Binge eat sweets, ice cream or gulp down pure sugar when you’re sad. You deserve it.
4. Don’t disappoint your colleagues by declining their treat. No one should feel bad on their birthday. Eat everything you can get your hands on. If it’s 5 colleagues birthday that week, make sure to keep all of them happy, and take seconds if you notice they’ve really made an effort.
5. Never exercise. You might kick start your metabolism and lose weight, and then you’d almost never be able to get diabetes!
6. Don’t let peer pressure force you into exercising. Your friends might be doing it, your parents might be recommending it, but whatever you do, remember that you are unique and if you don’t want to exercise, no one can make you!
7. If you do make the mistake of exercising, think of a better excuse to get out of it next time. Be creative, otherwise you might never get diabetes.
8. Don’t eat vegetables. Especially green leafy ones are known for being very healthy and extremely low in sugar.
9. Remember that food is your best and only friend. At midnight, or an early morning hour, that piece of cold pizza or a microwave meal will be waiting for you in the fridge. Pass the mayo and salt. Top off with more sauce.
10. Drink soda uncontrollably. Controlling your intake of soda would be just evil. Diet coke is for pussies. Water is for boring people.
11. Never, ever use organic virgin olive oil. It’s too healthy, and probably not a virgin anyway.
12. Don’t consume cinnamon. It lowers blood sugar level peaks and might prevent you from developing diabetes!
13. If you want to eat something healthy, don’t. Obviously.
14. If you want to eat something healthy, and don’t manage step 13, try eating something ‘light’ instead. Artificial flavors and empty calories rule, you’ll need them on your way to an unhealthy body!
15. Whatever you do, don’t get off the couch. Ask your housemate to pass the chips. Get a big mug of your favorite soda spiked with alcohol. You might have to get up to pee at some point, but use a bottle instead. Or install the TV in the toilet.
16. Never eat dark chocolate. It might satiate you after just a few bits and then you’d never eat enough sugar to get diabetes. Eat white or milk chocolate, on a daily basis, and make sure it doesn’t contain any healthy nuts or cinnamon (see 12). It should contain only unhealthy additions such as sugar granules or biscuits.
17. Never, ever, take the stairs. We live in a developed country. Use the elevator, you neanderthal.
18. Don’t take on a hobby. Nothing should distract you from eating.
19. Your favorite thing to make for dinner should be making a restaurant reservation. Cooking healthy stuff at home is for crazy vegans who are too controlling of what they eat and don’t dare to be seen in public.
20. Ignore your doctor’s advice. What does he know anyway?
21. Drink cocktails as often as possible. They are full of sugar and will increase your chances of developing diabetes if drank on a regular basis!
22. Accept constipation as a way of life. Eating fibers (by eating veggies and fruits) would mean you would decrease your chances of diabetes. Also, fibers work against high blood sugar spikes. Boo.
23. Love foundation, even if you’re a dude. With all the sugar you want to be eating to increase your chances of diabetes, your skin will probably be irritated – but if you use the right foundation you can cover that up nicely!
24. Don’t blaim your genes. If no one in your family got diabetes before, don’t think you can’t still make your dream come true. Eat twice as much as they do just to make sure to get to your goal!
25. Everyone deserves love and care, but you and your body. Don’t take care of yourself. Don’t pamper yourself with healthy foods. Also, you might want to exercise, find a hobby you love, educate yourself about food, speak to your doctor, listen to your loved ones and encourage yourself to make healthy choices. But then you could almost never get diabetes. So, that really doesn’t sound like a good idea.
Uhm… That was that. I hope we’ve all had some laughs, obviously my opinion is approximately the exact opposite of the one listed above.